Sexy Isn’t a Look—It’s a Mindset. Three Spring Fashion Collections Helped This Writer Find It

When I was a skinny, shy 10-year-old, my idea of sexy boiled down to one woman: Jessica Rabbit. She was an apparition of hourglass curves and long red hair coiffed like Veronica Lake’s, who worked the room in a sparkling, siren-red dress that seemed practically drawn onto her body. Technically, it was.

The irony that Ms. Rabbit was a cartoon figure sprung from the 1988 film, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” was hardly lost on me once I matured enough to recognize her embodiment of sexy was the stereotypically fantasized kind. It was the sort of sexy that drove men cuckoo, their wide eyes entranced and all awoooooogah, while other women watched on, filled with jealousy or envy. And the younger me fell for it. Jessica Rabbit, the fleet of swimsuit-clad lifeguards on “Baywatch,” Frederique van de Wal and her cohort of lingerie-clad Victoria’s Secret models…they all represented my juvenile understanding of what sexy was, informed by the reactions they elicited from the opposite sex.

Not surprisingly, I never grew up to be “Jessica Rabbit” sexy. Even as my definition has expanded—shifting from the gaze of others to something more nuanced and personal—I’ve still struggled to identify with it. “Sexy isn’t something others bestow on you. It’s whether or not you feel it,” a best friend told me. She’s right, although others often influence how one feels, whether the immediate sense is sexiness or something that stokes it. I asked what makes her feel sexy: “When you hold somebody’s attention.” Same for me. Being wanted—truly, obsessively, even if just in my imagination—gives me a dizzying hit of confidence that makes me feel something close to sexy, if only for a heartbeat.

Jennifer Zuccarini, founder of lingerie brand Fleur du Mal, agrees that confidence is key to radiating inner sexiness. For her, it’s as attainable as doing something generously for ourselves, like wearing a fabulous lingerie set or getting in a good workout. “Maybe you get your hair blown out the way you like it, and you just feel a little better. Even if no one else notices—you did this thing for yourself—and you feel more confident,” she said. “It’s a little secret with yourself.”